Taken from my Twitter feed and tidied up a bit.

Look if you dither about in the doorway as we are getting on the train I’ll walk past you. Don’t whinge to your friend about me being rude. It’s a rush hour train and standing half on and half off the train saying to your friend ‘i’m going to make sure we get a seat’ isn’t helping is it? Anyway isn’t Tuesday pension day or something?

This guy sitting next to me on the train trying to make conversation with me ‘what you listening to?
Me ‘You Fat Bastard’
pause while he let’s it sink in
Me ‘the anthology by Carter USM’